i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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