I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
