On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
