1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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