fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
