Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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