Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
