All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
In other news, I just burned my penis
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
