dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
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finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
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when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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