her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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