My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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