ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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