I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
