have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
