I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
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I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
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It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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