hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
