Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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