I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
