I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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