It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
