You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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