I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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