I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
