This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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