I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
