I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
