i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
not ubering you a puppy
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
