update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
