Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
where are my eyebrows?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
