the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize