Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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