I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
