Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
