My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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