OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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