did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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