Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
