I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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