I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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