I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
