I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
