theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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