i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
