I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
