I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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