Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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