So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
