Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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