that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
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There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
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YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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