My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
