If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Bang-toberfest begins!!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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