whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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