you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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