i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
