sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
