I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
