You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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