i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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