I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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